A little while ago I reached out for help to a service provided by my work benefits. They put you in touch with a counselor who helps with whatever your issues are. According to this lady I score high for having depression and it sounds like I have an eating disorder. Noooo, really? *rolls eyes* She says she can only help me a bit and that I need to find a specialist. sigh. It took all my effort to reach out and contact the service that put me in touch with her and now she wants me to go find someone else? She said she could help me until I found a specialist so I figured might as well talk to her a bit, what could it hurt, right?
Well holy crap it ended up hurting, and not in a I’m-healing-and-this-is-healing-pain kind of way but in a I’ve-been-rejected-by-a-professional and am on my own kind of way.
That was unexpected.
I initially went to her because I was having a lot of trouble controlling my binges and I’d gained weight because of that and I needed help getting them under control. When I last saw her I was playing the 24 hour game. I love this game, do you know it?
Basic rules are you can only eat something once every 24 hours, and the longer you can go past the 24 hour mark, the better. You can drink non-calorie things, like water, tea, diet coke, stuff like that, but nothing else!
So yeah, I’d been doing that and was on day 5 and I stupidly made the mistake of telling her.
I thought shrinks weren’t supposed to judge??
I could tell from her face she didn’t approve and all she said was “you need to see a specialist” and then she cut our meeting short.
I was really confused when I left, sorta lost, I mean ok, so she doesn’t like what I did but to boot me out like that, isn’t she supposed to be helping, not reinforcing the knowledge that I am alone and no one really understands what I am going through and that to try and get help is a useless waste of my time?
A couple days after I found a specialist online and went to see her, she seemed nice at first but said I had to want to get help to benefit from seeing someone and while she didn’t say outright “no, I can’t help you” that was the definite vibe I was getting. She also shut me out, indicating there wasn’t anything she could do for me.
I make the freakin effort to find a specialist and they can’t help me. What. The. Fuck.
The only other options left to me are people whose online profiles I don’t like, who don’t have sliding scales, who are super expensive so my health care wouldn’t even cover 4 sessions with them, and who I am not wasting my time on because apparently I can’t be helped.
I can’t believe I wasted my time like that. It took weeks of build-up for me to be able to convince myself to contact someone for help and I get told I’m on my own. Why are there people out there claiming to want to help when they don’t help??
For a couple days after the second meeting I was really down, feeling like I wasn’t worth their time or their energy, like I am a hopeless case, and that is not a fun way to be feeling. I figured on just quitting, just stopping eating all together but something in me clicked over and decided that by my quitting that means they are right, or worse, winning.
I don’t want them to be right. I don’t want to be hopeless. I don’t want to be not worth the time and energy of someone. I don’t want to be the person they made me feel I was.
Obviously speaking to someone is not for me, they don’t want me, well I don’t want them, but that doesn’t mean I can’t work on myself, right?