I binged today. I don’t even know why, nothing upset me, no big emotional swings, just me, having a day. I think it was my poor planning of my day. I was out, I had a work thing then an errand to run and by the time I was done the errand I was ridiculously hungry. I had already eaten once today and that should have been plenty but for some reason I found myself at Safeway, at the deli section, buying chips (like french fries but the potato wedge kind), sweet potato wedges, ginger beef and macaroni & cheese. What the actual fuck?? *groan*
As a stupendously small win I also really wanted a milk shake but I managed to not go there. I don’t think a win so small actually counts as a win though…sigh…
Back to the binge, ugh. I ate. And then I ate some more. Did you know macaroni & cheese eaten with a bit of the sauce from ginger beef is actually really tasty? Yeah, me neither. Pleasant surprise that.
I’ve really got to figure out how to be better at purging. I suck at it. I have the hardest to activate gag reflex ever, it is ridiculous.
So there I was, sitting with the fullest stomach ever, feeling like a bloated whale, really wishing I could make myself sick cause I felt so gross when I decided I should go to the gym.
Don’t get me wrong, I work out, but normally after a binge I am:
(1) convinced people who see me will be able to tell what I did so I hate going out in public
(2) so overly full I feel sick and can barely move, let alone work out
(3) ashamed to look at my own body, let alone change in to form fitting work out clothes
(4) fairly certain all those calories are instantly visible
(5) will break the treadmill
So working out after a binge is not ever a thing I do.
Tonight however, I did. Weird…
I felt disgusting. The entire time I was getting ready I felt heavy, and bloated and sick and I kept coming up with reasons to not go but despite all that I kept getting ready. Once I got to the gym I couldn’t very well turn around, people had seen me, they’d wonder what my deal was so off to the cardio section I went.
I ran, well, jogged, on the treadmill and omg did it make me feel gross at first. My stomach was weighing me down, I was sure everyone was looking at me and thinking about how fat I was and how I should do the world a service and hide in my apartment instead of let people see me but since the treadmills face away from the rest of the people in the gym I couldn’t see any of their condescending stares so I just kept on jogging. By the ten minute mark I was actually feeling good about what I was doing. I upped the level and the speed, and by default the incline and I felt even better.
My intention had been to run then slink out of the gym as if I’d never been there but instead I went to the stairmaster and did another 30 minutes on there. I’m torn on the stairmaster. I know stairs are good but I always feel like I’m doing something not quite right when using that machine…I asked for help one time but the guy working the desk had no idea how to use it, lovely huh?
After the stairmaster I had to leave cause the gym was closing, which sucked cause I wanted to do more but oh well. I did a quick walk home and while walking I realized I still felt heavy in my stomach, and bloated and gross but in a different way. I had chugged a bunch of water after my workout and it was the water making me feel like that, not the food, or at least not as much of the food as it had been prior to going to the gym. That was nice.
Something I have always wondered, after I work out, whether I drink a lot of water or not, my stomach area is not as flat as normal. Today was especially bad because of the binge but usually my abdominal area is poofier, more bloated looking. You’d think after working out it’d look smaller but nope, not on me, it looks bigger. I can’t figure out why, is it the sweat in my skin making me swell, is it a workout related thing, or am I just a freak of nature? It goes away, don’t think I stay like that lol Usually about an hour after I’m done showering and am back to my normal body temperature my abdominal area goes back to looking normal but it’s always so disconcerting when that happens. It always makes me want to not workout cause it feels like in the short term it is making me fatter…
After the binge I was all ready for a night of self-loathing, a night of feeling disgusting, a night of misery, but that little jaunt to the gym helped with all that. It was embarrassing but it had good results. I still feel bloated but not as much, I don’t hate myself quite as much as I normally do after a binge cause I know I burned at least some of those calories off, and I’m not already cringing at the idea of going to work tomorrow and wondering if people can tell just by looking at me that I binged.
Why did it take me so long to figure out going to the gym after a binge would make me feel better? *rolls eyes*