What are you scared of? When someone asks you that question, how do you answer? Most people seem to give an answer that is true but not a deep down gut wrenching fear. Why? Because it is considered weak to be scared of something? Because we live lives of relative ease where we don’t have to confront things that scare us on a regular basis so we don’t think about it? Because we try to bury what we are scared of within our sub-conscious so we never have to think about it?
It seems, nine times out of ten, when someone is asked what they are scared of the answer is spiders, least if the person being asked is a girl, shrug. Hell, when I’m asked I say spiders…and needles.
But really, those aren’t my deepest fears, they aren’t what keep me up at night, they aren’t what haunt my nightmares, they aren’t what incapacitate me when I’m out going about my day, they aren’t what initiate a fight or flight response, they aren’t what make me want to crawl out of my skin, escape this body because I can’t take another minute in my head with them.
I watched the movie 50 Shades of Grey tonight. I went with some friends and we had a fun night. It’s not a movie that will ever win an award, it’s not an epic movie, it’s just a regular movie, nothing special…unless you count the nudity, which I don’t cause hey, we’ve all seen naked people, what’s the big deal?
This movie though, it triggered something in me, a deep, gut wrenching fear that has left me on edge and lost and not knowing what to do. It has set off a chain reaction of responses that I feel are happening to me, that are out of my control, and all I want to do is get out of my head, get away from these responses because I can’t handle them.
Weirdly enough, with all these feelings swirling around in me it brought a moment of clarity, a moment where I realized something I am scared of.
I’m scared of food.
Now if that isn’t the stupidest thing to be scared of I don’t know what is. But I am. I am knee-knocking, tear forming, hand shaking scared of food. I don’t want it. I don’t want any of it. I don’t want to look at it, I don’t want to eat it, I don’t want it offered to me, I don’t want to go where I will encounter it, I don’t want to ever see it again.
Which is stupid because food is everywhere, and I need at least small amounts of it to survive, unfortunately.
This realization came when the friends I saw the movie with and I were in Subway. One of my friends wanted to grab something, so the other one decided she would too and before you know it they are looking at me, expecting me to order something also. I didn’t want anything. Not just because I wasn’t hungry. Not just because I had eaten one meal already today and that is my limit. Not just because I don’t have a lot of money and if I have to eat it’d be better to eat something from my kitchen. I realized I didn’t want to order anything because I was terrified of food, of having to eat the food. I could already envision myself picking at it, literally picking small pieces off the bun and nibbling on them but refusing to bite in to the sub and having to come up with a reason why my friends were done eating and I was still picking small pieces of the bun off and pretending to eat those.
I think my fear of food is a result of other things, a symptom of deeper issues. I think I fear food because if I’m trying to deal with the problem of food I am not having to deal with the underlying issues that the fear of food is masking.
I sound pretty deep there don’t I?
What would be impressive is if I knew what the fear of food was masking, instead of just having a vague feeling that is was masking something…
I couldn’t eat the sub I felt pressured to buy. I brought it home and it is in the fridge. So far today I have eaten two pieces of toast, two slices of turkey bacon and a scrambled egg and to me that seems like plenty. In fact, today that seems like overkill and I feel guilty for eating so much. I am disgusted with myself for putting so much food in to my system. But am I really? Or is it that I am disgusted with something else, something I won’t acknowledge, and I’m taking those feelings out on the food?
If I ask myself why I am scared of food I have answers at the ready:
– it makes me fat
– it makes me bloated
– I can’t always control myself around it, hence my binge days
Mostly I am scared because it makes me fat. Which is a pretty simple answer to why I am scared of food so maybe I am not deep down sub-consciously scared of something else, or suppressing something else, and using control of food as my outlet, maybe I really am legitimately scared of food for the simple reason it will make me fat. In my opinion, that’s a damn good reason to be scared of something.