Christmas is coming and I am freaking out. Not about Christmas exactly, I like Christmas. I like the songs, how everyone seems to be a bit more polite, the weather, the fact that I can wear layers and nobody comments…but right now I am in panic mode and the stress is not helping my meager attempts at exerting my willpower, sigh.
I am making most of my Christmas presents this year so I am worried people will hate them, that they won’t turn out ok, that people will think I’m being cheap…so many worries in that area.
Then there is my bank account, I am living in overdraft, which I hate! I have no money but still have presents to get plus bills to pay and other normal daily expenses. The stress of realizing how far in to overdraft I am made me want to binge today, the only thing that stopped me was that I have no money to buy the food so I’ve been wandering my apartment, wanting so badly to eat I feel like I am going to go crazy if I don’t eat but knowing I can’t go buy any of my binge foods. I feel antsy, and incomplete, and out of control.
I fly back to where my family lives this coming Monday, I’m not there long, I couldn’t get much time off work but despite only being there for 5 days I’m freaking out about 5 days being surrounded by people. I am used to having my own place, having a quiet, personal, void of anybody but my cat sanctuary where I can be unobserved. Knowing I will not have a moments privacy for 5 days is stressing me. What if I need to binge when I am there? I won’t be able to! What if I end up needing to severely restrict? I won’t be able to…or if I try it’ll be ridiculously hard to hide my lack of eating since it’s a Christmas visit and so far every social engagement I have been committed to has included food. Why do they all have to include food??
I have a huge list of things I have to get done before I leave and I don’t think I have enough time to do them all. Something will have to give but what? Whose gift will be unfinished? Who will I have to let down? What will I have to not do? And of the things I do finish, where the hell will I find the money to complete them?
I know they say that money doesn’t buy happiness but I think that is utter bullshit. Money gets you a less stressful life, at least my life would be less stressful if I had more money, and less stress means a happier person. Course, I’d also be less stressed if I wasn’t constantly worrying about how to sneak in a binge or manage to not eat anything for a couple days while visiting my family but that’s a whole different can of worms…
Arg! i know nobody likes to be stressed but omg I haaaaate being stressed! Especially stressed and unable to binge because I can’t afford the food! I don’t know how to deal with stress without turning to food, I feel like I am trying to crawl out of my skin, escape who I am, except there is nowhere to go, I turn around and I am still me, the person with the complicated relationship to food who doesn’t know how to deal with things without turning to food. How do people do this?