My issues with food are my own little secret, well, mine and whomever reads this but since I don’t have my name or anything on here, really, they are just mine lol
Nobody I know in real life knows I struggle, they don’t have a clue about what goes on in my head or my kitchen, I like it that way because I don’t want to face the judging and the recrimination and the guilt I would feel every time they looked at me. Also, some days I like my food obsession, it is mine, I hold it close, it keeps me company, it helps define who I am, it helps me cope, it comforts me.
I delude myself in to thinking I can control it.
There are days though where I know it controls me, and those days scare me. Those days where I eat uncontrollably, where I hide from the world because I am sure what I have been stuffing in my face will be apparent to every person who sees me, where I am so overwhelmed I can’t cope, where I feel constrained by my food issues, trapped, closed off from the world, from my friends, from having fun. Some days I hate it.
Even in the midst of hating it, when I feel I am drowning and I desperately want someone to help me, I don’t tell. To tell would be to relinquish control, to admit I have a problem, to be defenseless…I can’t do that…
A couple of months ago, a friend was having a hard time and she found an organization that provides counselling for a set amount of time (I think a couple months or so) for free. Free is good considering I have no money lol
I always wanted to ask her for the contact information but I knew if I asked she would want to know why I wanted it and I didn’t know how to deal with that convo so I never asked. Well, last night we were hanging out and I asked her how the counselling went, if she thought it helped her. Turns out she never ended up going, scheduling conflicts, but she said from the contact she did have with the people there she wishes she went because she thinks they would have been able to help her a lot, even if it was just someone to vent to.
She asked why I was asking and I did something I have never done before, I told her I was thinking that maybe I should talk to someone because I was having some trouble with food and thought maybe someone could help me…
She didn’t have any of the responses I thought she would have…I mean yeah, I made it sound like it wasn’t a big deal, like it was a very minor thing and if I spoke to someone or not it wouldn’t make that big of a difference but still, her response mattered a lot to me.
In the end she insisted I go to her place this coming week because she is going to cook me dinner, which makes me think she really didn’t understand just how much trouble I am having with food lol but the thought behind her gesture is nice and I appreciate it. She also said we’ll buddy up, we’ll encourage each other to be healthy, to exercise, to lose weight…which while part of me thinks “yay!” part of me thinks “great, someone I feel pressured to not screw up for, sigh”
I have huge amounts of appreciation for how she responded, how she offered to help, how she wants to be there for me, even though everything she offered and suggested just makes me feel pressured and backed in to a corner. That isn’t her fault though, it is mine, and I’ll have to work on it.
Having sort-of told somebody I feel exposed and in danger and like I have to be prepared to defend myself at a moments notice, which part of me is aware is ridiculous but part of me can’t seem to control.
I don’t like how I am feeling and wish I hadn’t told, even in that minor way, but a small part of me is holding on to the hope that something good will come from this and in the end I’ll be glad I told…glad and skinnier… 😉