A Hermit Kind Of Day

Today was a hermit day. I have them every now and then, I seem to have them more often than anybody else I know, I guess cause I lean towards being anti-social, shrug.

I needed a day to be alone, to try to come to terms with the knowledge he is married now, gone forever.

I slept most of the day, woke up about 3:30pm, I woke up other times prior to that but all I did was roll over, bury my face in the blankets and go back to oblivion where I didn’t have to think about anything. I couldn’t face the world quite yet.

Twelve hours after crawling in to bed I forced myself out of it. I could have happily stayed there forever but the cat was harassing me for food and well, I had to get up sometime, right?

I’ve done nothing productive today, hell, I didn’t get out of my pj’s and shower until sometime after 6pm. I’ve ignored all texts and fb and anything that might involve interacting with someone. I even muted my tv when I heard someone coming down the hall so they wouldn’t realize I am here and knock on my door.

Pathetic, sigh.

I thought I’d be in over analyzing mode today, picking apart everything, thinking about him non-stop, googling him or the wife but it’s as if all my emotions are deadened. All I feel is depressed, but not even that really, it’s like there is a weight in my chest and a cloud in my head, like I’m not really here, I am nothing, I am emotionless, I am not real.

Tomorrow I will have things to do, I will have to force myself out in to the world, I can’t hermit forever no matter how much I want to. But it’s not tomorrow yet so for now I’ll stay as I am, curled up on the couch, the cat on my lap, depressing movie on my tv and embrace the cloud in my head that is protecting me from feeling and thinking. I never want this cloud to go because I know the pain I will soon be feeling will be excruciating and is gonna suck.

 

one day this will be me

one day this will be me – hopefully

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