Last week I was in a change room, in a thrift store, looking for items for my halloween costume. I have horrible luck in thrift stores, everything is always in smaller sizes than what I am. It has me half convinced I am the largest person out there and that’s why there are never clothing donations that fit me…but then I see people larger than me so that makes me wonder if people my size just never get rid of their clothes…either way, thrift shops suck in my world, but for halloween I will dig through them.
I was in the handicap changing stall (it was the next one open) so I had lots of space, always nice. I was trying on three different blue dresses and three pairs of jeans. When I tried on the jeans I kept my shirt on, obviously, so all I was seeing in the mirror was if the jeans could be pulled all the way up, and once up, how they looked with a shirt on. I did the sitting test, you know, where you sit on the bench in the change room and look in the mirror to see if the clothes bunch funny when you are sitting, or the pant legs become too short, also, I like to see how comfy something is when I am sitting. Once the jeans were done I took off my shirt and started trying on the dresses.
The first one I was putting on over my head and couldn’t get past my breasts, sigh, they are naturally large and can be a problem when I’m clothes shopping. I didn’t bother to see if it fit elsewhere since it obviously didn’t fit over the ladies.
The second one I forced on, was way too tight, wouldn’t zip up and I thought I was going to rip seams when I was trying to get it off.
The third I got on, got zipped up, but it did nothing for me, ugh. The back was partially sheer and amplified my fat.
So the dresses didn’t pan out, which wasn’t all that surprising really.
The horrible part came after I took the third dress off, I sat on the bench, wearing my panties and bra, and was putting the dress back on the hanger when I glanced up. I wasn’t purposefully looking in the mirror to see how I looked sitting in my underwear but as soon as I saw the mirror I froze.
How did I get so fat??? How did i not realize I was so fat??? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I knew I was fat, but this, this view, this can’t-lie-with-such-a-big-mirror-view brought just how big I am in to focus. A focus I can’t ignore, and I swear the image is burned on to my retinas, seared in to my brain, I’ll never forget how I looked.
I wish I could forget how I looked.
You would think that image, that horrible horrible site would immediately get me back on track food wise but reeeeally, it hasn’t.
Today was Thanksgiving (I live in Canada), and I ate pumpkin pie.
Here I am freakin obese and revolting and an eyesore that shouldn’t be allowed out in public and I still ate pie.
No surprise why I am so large. *rolls eyes*
I’m lost as to what to do. I want to immediately start restricting my food, cut waaaaay back, but intellectually I know that isn’t the answer. I have to eat healthy, multiple times a day, get my metabolism working for me…but that scares me. I’m so scared that eating anything, healthy or not, proper portion size or not, balanced meal or not, will just make me bigger and I’m already so big, I can’t let myself get any bigger, I can’t!
What do I do? Do I restrict and starve my way down to a lower weight? Do I eat “healthy” like a “normal person”?
I just don’t know…I’m scared whichever path I choose will be the wrong one and I’ll get bigger…how do I know what to do?
Thought I’d share a thinspo video instead of a picture this time, obviously extra motivation is needed in my corner of the world, maybe someone else needs it too.