What Was I Thinking?

You’ll never believe this…

If you’ve read my ‘about page’, at least, I think I put it on my ‘about page’, I mentioned how I have another blog. It is a healthy living/losing weight type of blog that is linked to all my other social media accounts, this means friends and family read it. Strangers read it also, but so do  friends and family.

That blog is a lie. It has to be because if I ever wrote what I really did/felt/think I’d have to deal with judgments being thrown my way, people giving me grief and I’d be constantly having to reassure people that I’m fine, even though I’m not. I can’t be honest on that blog about who I am, the way I see and deal with food, how I feel.

I’m always trying to get thinner, to be in better shape, to improve how I look. My friends at work, who do not seem to have food issues as I do, decided they wanted a work fitness group, something put in place to help them get in shape. They came to me, thinking I have some sway with management, and I put something together.

There are prizes provided from the company for those that do the best every month, there is a money jackpot to win at the end of six months for the overall winner. It isn’t a program that has everyone following one set food plan or one specific work out plan. The idea is that everyone can follow whatever program they want, but we are a group and therefore will be supporting each other, helping each other to make healthy choices, encouraging each other to work out, things like that. There is a trainer at work who is going to help us, teach us exercises we can all do at home, write monthly articles about healthy eating etc.

The idea of a fitness group was someone elses, but I made it happen. I figured out how it should work, I arranged the prizes, I send out the emails to everyone to help keep us motivated.

I, the person who binge eats, the person who restricts, the person who has a ridiculously fucked up relationship with food, has started a work fitness program and is being looked at as someone who has the answers. Who can set an example. Who can show others how to get and stay in shape.

Are you laughing hysterically yet?

At first it was almost a game, figuring out how the group should work, getting it set up. But now it is real, people have paid to be in it, people are expecting results. And I am feeling backed in to a corner.

I don’t know what to do. Every time I restrict, every time I binge, every time I over exercise or don’t exercise or basically do anything wrong I feel trapped. Trapped by a group of people who all think I am an always cheerful, happy-go-lucky, stress free person. They believe the facade I show the world, and why shouldn’t they? I’ve been working on it for years, it is perfected.

So now I am running a work weight loss group. I, the person who ate an entire pizza in one sitting today, and justified it because I hadn’t eaten anything else all day and I had exercised. I couldn’t be a worse role model if I tried, and sadly, I’m not even trying, this is just how I am.

Sometimes…sometimes I wish someone in my life, anyone, would actually see me, would see that I’m not ok, would see that I am struggling, that I need help, direction, support. I sometimes wish that I could talk candidly to someone face to face about what I think, how I deal with food, how I screw up all the time. Right this minute I have a pizza sitting heavily in my stomach, I am disgusted with myself, I am panicky because of how many calories I digested, I want to cry, or yell, maybe hit something. I want to hurt. I want my outsides to show the pain I am feeling inside.

But no one sees any of that. All they see is someone who is running a fitness group because she’s so in to the healthy lifestyle that she’d be a good person to get help from. No one thinks to offer me help, and to be fair, I wouldn’t be able to accept the help without showing some cracks in my facade, and I could never allow that to happen.

This group is not going to be easy.

ab thinspo


2 thoughts on “What Was I Thinking?

  1. Saff

    Hello, I’ve not read anything else from your blog.. yet, this was my first stop but just want to say I had a tear run down my face by the end of reading your post and just leaving a “like” and leaving didn’t feel right after nodding in agreement most of the way through. Stay strong. x


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