I’m Messing Up…

I wrote in my last post how I am struggling, fighting to not fall in to old habits…well…if I haven’t exactly lost that war yet I definitely lost one of the battles today, actually, two of the battles if I’m being honest, sigh.

I restricted my calories today, at first I was justifying it cause I wasn’t feeling all that well, I was a bit nauseous feeling so of course I didn’t want to eat. Also, I’d slept in because of not feeling well and didn’t have time to have two meals before going to work…or at least this is what I kept telling myself.

I lie to myself in case you were wondering.

I finally forced myself to eat before work, not as little as I used to eat, but nowhere near a “normal” amount of food. I don’t feel quite as guilty as I probably should because I really did feel nauseous and I didn’t want to throw up, especially at work!

After work I had to pick up some groceries. I have been trying to buy groceries in the light of day because I tend to be less likely to buy binge food items then but I went after work this evening, another habit I think I will have to break, and I bought some of the most random things.

The worse item I bought tonight was a red velvet cake. Yeah, that’s right, I bought a freakin cake! It is double layered red velvet and in between the layers and on top is cream cheese icing. Even as I picked it up and put it in my basket a part of my head was screaming to not do it. Hell, I was still feeling nauseous so I wasn’t even particularly hungry, let alone craving anything sugary. It was like I couldn’t control myself, I saw it, I saw the price, I picked it up all nonchalant, hoping no one noticed and judged me.

What was I thinking!? Why did I do that?!?! Why????? 😦

The first bite was delicious, the rest was sickening. I couldn’t even eat it all in one sitting but instead of putting away or throwing out what I couldn’t eat I left it within reaching distance while I watched tv and lo and behold while I watched tv my tummy made a little space and boom! cake was back in front of me being shoveled in to my mouth.

I’m disgusting.

I haven’t managed to finish it, there is still a bit left, I am determined to not eat anymore of it, not even tomorrow! It is going in the garbage tonight and that will be the end of it.

It’s ridiculous, I have a headache now, my stomach still feels off, I’m tired but have all that sugar pumping through me, I’m already bloated from my cramps and tomorrow I will have to deal with the bloating that comes from having a binge plus the bloating that comes from cramps, and I have to go to a reunion tomorrow morning/afternoon before work and the whole time I am there I’m gonna be wondering if anybody can tell how fat and disgusting I am because I ate almost an entire freakin cake the night before the get together. Pathetic.

Look at her ribs! Jealous! I bet she doesn't screw up like I do, sigh.

Look at her ribs! Jealous! I bet she doesn’t screw up like I do, sigh.


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