A Long Time

I’ve been gone a long time from here, I didn’t mean to be, I just…didn’t want to admit how much I was struggling I guess…sigh.

I was down to eating such a minimal amount of food back in July that being in a constant state of pain and hunger was normal to me. I knew it was messing with my metabolism and that I had to increase my daily calories if I had any hope of getting in shape but I couldn’t bring myself to eat. Food terrified me.

On top of that though my binge eating was increasing, ugh. All that work put in to not eating then bam! Screw up all that work by having a binge. I couldn’t control the binges, they just happened. I used to binge, for the most part anyways, when I was upset about something, or sometimes when I was celebrating something but now I was binge eating for no reason, bingeing just to binge…is that a thing?

I went away, out of country for two weeks and I was so excited not just for the trip but because the first week of the trip I was travelling solo and changing cities every day. All I could think about was how nobody would be on me about my food intake, and nobody would see me long enough to realize I hadn’t eaten. Finally! A week where I wouldn’t have to hide the lack of food in my world. It was going to be amazing.

Only, the trip didn’t end up like that. I was so active, doing so many new things I ended up eating every day, and not just one small meal but three meals a day! Every single day I ate breakfast, lunch and dinner, and while they for the most part were healthy meals I didn’t freak if a meal wasn’t healthy cause I knew I’d burn it off the same day.

It turned out to be amazing but in a completely unexpected way.

The second week I was around people all the time, family, and they were all very much aware of what I did or did not eat. After the week of freedom I found it super annoying. To avoid drama I ended up eating in a similar way to how I had been the first week, three healthy meals a day, and I did my best to counter act the food with lots of activity. There wasn’t as much activity as the first week but enough that I figured I might be balancing out.

When I was away I didn’t binge eat, not even once. Partly cause I would not have been able to ensure privacy for long enough to binge, and partly cause I was on a strict travel budget and I couldn’t afford to buy the food, I managed a little over two weeks with no binge eating. I can’t remember the last time I did that!

After getting back home I decided to keep on with what I had been doing on vacation. Three meals a day, healthy normal sized meals, being active, and no binge eating. At first it was going ok, it was a novelty and I was enjoying figuring it all out. But after about two weeks it started becoming harder and harder…I instinctively wanted to skip meals and I would have to force myself to eat. I’d look at a clock and realize I was three hours late with getting a meal and it was so easy to think “skip this one, eat again tomorrow” but I didn’t, I’d force myself to cook something and eat and sometimes I felt proud for it, other times I felt stupid for eating.

I don’t have my constant feeling of hunger anymore, which makes me feel like a failure.

I’m fighting my urge to binge eat, it’s harder and harder with each passing day. Emotionally I want to so badly, I see the foods I usually eat during a binge and I crave them so much, walking through the grocery store is ridiculously hard right now. But I can’t binge! I can’t! It’s one thing to eat an entire package of mini donuts and an entire pizza and dessert bread sticks and a chocolate bar and and and all the other foods I would scarf down when bingeing if I hadn’t eaten that day or longer but I am eating now, three freakin meals a day! Three! Who does that?!?! Fatties that’s who! And if I am eating three meals a day then no way in hell can I also binge cause think of all those calories! I can’t do it. I can’t. But I want to and it’s getting harder by the day to not buy my favourite foods and eat until my stomach hurts and I am going to puke.

Sorry, went on a little rant there…

So yeah, I am struggling right now. Before my trip I was struggling because I was restricting and then binge eating. Now I am struggling because I am eating three meals a day and it goes against everything my head is telling me is the right thing to do. On top of that I haven’t been binge eating so I’ve had no outlet for how I am feeling and frankly, I feel like I am going to explode…

I’m not gonna lie, I had this tiny little hope that once I started eating three meals a day I’d start to lose weight, as in noticeable lose weight. People always say when you don’t eat your metabolism slows way down and you stop losing weight cause of that so I was hoping that if I started eating three meals a day I’d kick start my metabolism and I’d start losing weight…it didn’t happen. Guess that is all just a myth. Figures it would be too good to be true.

I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to keep up with this whole eating thing, it’s really hard and I don’t know that the struggle is worth it, plus, eating so often means I have to wash dishes way more! lol đŸ˜‰

oh to be this tiny!

oh to be this tiny!

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