Socially Acceptable Bingeing

How did I not realize there are days that you can binge, in public, without anyone really realizing you are bingeing? And not only do they not realize but they are engaging in the exact same behaviour with you!

Crazeeeee!

I am of course talking about Easter. But now that I’m thinking about it we can add Christmas and Thanksgiving. Are there any other holidays that mostly revolve around huge family dinners? If so, add them to the list!

I guess I didn’t really clue in to this because in my family we don’t celebrate these holidays (other than Christmas I mean) with big dinners. They are just another day. I have never been all “oh yay! Easter is today, better put on my stretchy pants cause mom’s making a large enough meal to feed 12 homeless people with leftovers to spare!”

Seriously, why do people cook so much excess food? Ugh.

Because I don’t “do Easter” I had no thoughts about today except that I had to work it and it was gonna be hella busy cause there was a huuuuge lunch buffet being held at work, not for the staff, for the people that live there and their guests. When it was all over though, staff were allowed to eat so we all went through the buffet line and loaded our plates with ridiculously delish food. Seriously, delish! Mmm!

When I cook I never fill a plate, there is always more of the plate showing then not lol, and this is with a small plate, not a dinner plate. I am strict about my portion sizes, When I went through the buffet everything looked so good that I took quite a lot of food, I had a dinner plate and I covered the entire bottom of the plate! I can’t think of the last time I have done that…

One of the girls I work with also eats super tiny portions and we were both exclaiming how we had taken so much food because we couldn’t see the bottom of our plates. Neither of us could figure out why we took so much but we decided to enjoy the food rather than put it back. I then looked at the plates of everyone else and saw they all had way more food than I (or my friend) on their plates, their plates were literally piled with food, mine was more of a flat surface, like…hmm…one layer of food…make sense?

I realized that the people who had a mini hill of food on their plate usually eat portions that cover their plate in the manner that mine was currently looking, that one layer of food I mean. So to them, the amount of food I took was nothing, and to give themselves a treat they over indulged to proportionally the same amount as I did, only it looked worse cause their plates had more food on them.

That is when I realized, I can eat everything on my plate if I want and no one will think anything about it because they were all binge eating. All of them!

I’m sure most of them wouldn’t consider what they did a binge, or if they did it is safely labelled as something they do only at big meals on holidays so it isn’t a big deal, but to me, for some reason, it seems like a big deal.

Why?

I dunno, shrug.

If any of them saw what I eat when I binge at home they’d think I was messed up, they’d judge me for sure, but what they ate was the equivalent to some people’s small binges, only it was done in public. Maybe that is what makes the difference, if it is a public, socially accepted way to binge nobody judges, but if you do it in private people wonder what’s wrong with you.

I managed to stop eating before I was so full I was sick, I knew if I let it get that far I’d be screwed because when I am that far in to a binge I have trouble functioning and I still had work to finish. It was a very odd feeling stopping where I did. I ate my plate of food and quite a lot of desserts and even now, 8 hours later, am still feeling full, and kinda nauseous, but I never got so nauseous I couldn’t function, which was nice. I felt freakin massive! I felt like everyone could see how fat I was, how distended my stomach became, how disgusting I was, but everyone was feeling similar things about themselves so nobody noticed any of that in me.

If I had binged at home I would have eaten more, it would have been a bigger binge, nobody would ever know about it and I’d find a way to deal with it (hopefully!). But today, it was almost fun, lol, friends comparing how full we felt, how we almost felt sick but not quite, how we ate too much, stuff like that…like I had a binge buddy lol

I find this image beautiful

I find this image beautiful

I know I’m laughing about the binge I did today, I can kind of shrug it off because I know it’s not nearly as bad as ones I have done in the past, or am likely to do in the future. I’m still mad at myself though, and hating myself for it, and ugh, still feeling so sick to the tummy, but I’m trying to look at tomorrow as another day to do better. I did a lot of exercising this past week, way more than I normally do, which I think is helping to combat the guilt over eating so much today, and knowing tomorrow I am going hiking after work is also helping me to feel I can fix this screw up, or at least minimize the damage.

I’ve really gotta get this under control though, I have a wedding to go to in July and I want to look amazing cause I’ll be seeing people I haven’t seen in years and I don’t want them thinking “oh look how fat she still is”, I want them thinking “holy crap she looks amazing! so thin!” I know I am vain, but whatever, don’t we all want others to think we look good?

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