I’m Working On It

Last week, for breakfast one day I ate pie. Pecan pie. It was delicious. I also ate my healthy breakfast, I guess the pie was like a breakfast dessert? Is that a thing? I feel that should be a thing if only to make me feel less guilty about the eating of pie at 7:15am. Who does that?? *rolls eyes*

feeling fat

Today I ate almost an entire box of Special K Popcorn Chips Sweet n Salty. They taste a bit like kettle corn which is why I like them so much. I didn’t eat so much of them because I thought since they are “healthy” I can eat them in higher quantities. I ate so much of them because I couldn’t stop myself from eating them. I only managed to stop because I knew I’d hate myself even more if I ate an entire box in one day…so I switched to chocolate truffles, sigh.

Despite these two rather monstrous setbacks I’ve been trying really hard to not binge and to eat like a “normal person”. That’s how I refer to eating plans that don’t have massive restrictions, or binges, or purging. Eating plans that every other person I know seems to be able to follow without a problem, hell, they don’t even consider it an eating plan, it’s just the natural way they eat.

People without food issues don’t know how lucky they have it.

Usually at work, when I work the evening shift, once everyone is gone I gorge on the cookies. I can’t seem to help it. It doesn’t matter if I am hungry, if I ate dinner, if I am going out after work…once I am the only staff member there those cookies become fair game and wow can I go through a lot of them in a short amount of time! I always feel disgusting afterwards, emotionally and physically. After I binge on the cookies I spend the rest of the night berating myself for eating them while my stomach fights to try to digest the influx of a ridiculous amount of calories. It always leaves me feeling sick to my stomach. Even though I know how it will make me feel I still do it.

But this past weekend, my two evening shifts, I managed to not eat the cookies. The one evening it was because I knew I had two cookies from Subway waiting for me at home and I wanted to enjoy them, something I knew I wouldn’t be able to do if I was stuffed with the cookies from work. The second evening I don’t know what stopped me. I got this thought in my head about how the Subway cookies were better than the ones at work and if I was gonna eat cookies shouldn’t it be better ones than those? Somehow, thinking how I should binge on something of, I guess you could say higher quality, helped me not reach over and grab any cookies. I don’t know if that makes any sense…

I’ve also been working on eating proper sized meals, nothing huge, nothing tiny, meals that would be considered normal sized. I am finding it hard to judge what “normal” is because it always looks like too much food to me but I’m trying. After I eat dinner I allow myself some sort of treat but it can only be one thing. So, one package of chocolate covered pretzels, or one spoonful of peanut butter, or one (well ok, maybe two) chocolate truffles. I’ve bought a bunch of stuff that comes in individual packages so I don’t have to try to figure out what a portion would be, it is done for me.

I’m still eating things I shouldn’t be, like the huge cinnamon bun I had yesterday, but even though I really wanted to eat a whole bunch of other stuff I told myself if I eat the cinnamon bun I have to eat a healthy dinner and I can’t have anymore treats for the rest of the night cause the cinnamon bun is so big. It was really hard not grabbing more food but I didn’t. Oh, and the healthy dinner was a home made stir fry with loads of veggies, shrimp and brown rice. That’s healthy isn’t it?

I don’t know what changed that I’m able to at least partially control my eating again. It’s nowhere near perfect, I still screw up a lot, but it’s better than it was a month ago, hell, it’s better than it was a couple weeks ago. I don’t know if I’ll be able to maintain the changes but I hope I can. It’s really hard, but I’m working on it.

When I got through the night last night without breaking my rule about not being allowed anything else cause I had the cinnamon bun I was…excited? Maybe a little proud? Stupid I know. Being proud for not eating food I didn’t need, who gets proud about something like that, but that’s kind of how I felt. I wished I had someone to tell, someone who would say to me “good job” or offer encouragement but of course there is no one. None of my family or friends know what I go through when it comes to food so obviously I can’t go texting one of them all excited I managed to not overeat, they’d think I was nuts lol

So I’m telling you, I managed to not binge last night even though I wanted to. And in the past week I’ve had other days when I’ve wanted to binge and didn’t. Maybe this is the beginning of something…guess I’ll have to wait and see.


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