Do you ever wonder about how people see you? I don’t mean strangers, I mean people you hang with, who presumably know you. What they see in you, or what they assume about you, what perceptions of you they have floating through their brain…
I had a team meeting this evening and I was talking with a girl I have known for years. We get along, we are friendly but we’ve never become friends on the level that we do stuff together outside of our sport or team activities.
Somehow the topic came up that I signed up to run a 8km race this summer. I was saying how I am sooooo not a runner and I am worried about how well I will do and how to train for it. She said how I should just wing it, she runs a full marathon every year and never trains for it, she just goes and runs and does well. I pointed out that she is in much better shape than I am so while that may work for her it wouldn’t work for me. She looked totally flabbergasted and said, and I quote, “what? no way! you go to the gym all the time! you are way more active than I am and in way better shape!”
Thing is, she’s not one of those people to say stuff just to be polite, she wouldn’t say something like that if she didn’t mean it.
Which makes me wonder for her sanity, or at least her eye sight…
Anybody looking at me can see how fat am I, how large my tummy and ass are, how thick my thighs are, how un-toned my arms are, how much work has to be done to get me looking even semi-decent. But she says, as if it is the most natural thing in the world, that I am in shape and active and she legit thinks I could run the 8km without training for it at all and do really well.
So who is wrong about their perception of me?
Am I wrong? The person who looks at herself in the mirror multiple times a day and sees all the flaws. Or is she wrong? The person who looks at me and sees someone whose in shape.
I know I am right, I can look down right now and see my stomach sticking out as I sit here typing. I can lift the laptop up and see how fat my thighs are. I can flex and see how little muscle appears in my arms.
So what the hell does she see? Is it just that I dress well enough to hide my flaws and they aren’t visible to her? I don’t see how that is possible since it doesn’t matter what I am wearing you can see the size of my thighs and how my waist isn’t tiny and my stomach isn’t flat. Maybe it was because I was sitting on the other side of the table from her so I was partially hidden…
I dunno. I really don’t.
To have someone, when I am in such a down mood about my looks so casually make comments about what I am physically able to do (run the 8km and place well) as well as think I am in good shape in general is making me conflicted. It is making me doubt myself and what I see in the mirror. It is making me doubt her and wonder if maybe she is one of those people who says nice things even when its a lie.
It is just making me doubt.
I had a revelation the other day, I can’t bitch about being out of shape if I’m not doing anything to get in to shape. It’s like people who don’t vote complaining about the government.
So I’m trying to bitch a little less, though you’d never know it by this blog lol. But in my head, where my running commentary is that is always telling me how disgusting I am, I am trying to shut that one up. Yesterday and today I worked out, I worked out hard enough that my muscles hurt (in the good way) and I can confidently say I’ve been active, not lazy. I’m proud of that. Stupid to be proud of something other people do all the time but, shrug, whatever, I am proud.
What I’m not proud of is how I have been eating. There is a Jillian Michaels quote, I won’t get it exactly right but it is something along the lines of “you can eat your way through any exercise plan”. Meaning, you can be awesome with all your fitness stuff but if you don’t control the food you can still screw up big time. I know the stats, losing weight is 80% your food and 20% your fitness.
Which always makes me wonder about the people I know who literally eat anything they want and in any quantity cause they are active and just burn it off…how come they can get away with that??…
Here I am being more active and what have I been eating? Two days ago I ate an entire bag of marshmallows, then for dinner I had a baked potato with melted cheese and baked beans on top. That was my food for the day. I don’t think Jillian Michaels would approve.
Yesterday I ate a Clif Bar, then Subway (I had a meal combo so a sub, cookie and pop), then a donought, then soup, then bread with margarine on it, then some chocolate truffles…I can’t remember if I had anything else and I stopped tracking my meals so I have nowhere to check. Pretty sure Jillian wouldn’t approve of that food either.
Then today, it started off so well! I had oatmeal with mixed berries in it and a bit of brown sugar, then I had this thing I can’t pronounce or spell at a Japanese restaurant, then I had chocolate truffles and you would not believe how badly I want to eat something else! I’d kill for a box of TimBits (those are donought holes), or really any type of pastry/bread/dough type product. It took every ounce of willpower I have to not stop and buy something on my way home from the team meeting but I knew if I went I wouldn’t buy just one thing, I’d buy a lot, and then I’d sit here and eat it all in one sitting, and then I’d be even more miserable.
I wonder if this one time managing my urge to binge could be the start of getting back on the path of controlling my food again?…It’s gotta start somewhere, right? Why not with this one little step?