I stupidly thought I had things under control, that I decided when I ate, how much I ate, what I ate.
Over the past couple weeks, hmm, more like three weeks I guess, I’ve lost all semblance of control.
I don’t like eating in front of people. I’ve been eating in front of people.
I tell myself I won’t eat the cookies at work once everyone has left. I then find myself having eaten 4 and reaching for more.
I put carbs off limit for a day. I end up eating multiple slices of bread and noodles and god only knows what else.
I am a failure. A fat failure. I am disgusting, and useless, and miserable, and why am I here? Why is someone so ugly and huge on this planet?? Why?????
These are the thoughts that have been going through my head day in and day out for weeks. Every time I look at myself in the mirror I want to cry, nobody wants to see someone who looks like that, I certainly don’t! And yet, does that stop me from eating chocolate? Or cookies? Or carbs? Nope. Does my appearance stop me from binge eating? Definitely nope.
How the hell does the image of me in the mirror not get seared in to my brain and automatically stop me from binge eating?? I dunno…I just know it doesn’t…
I’m going through some medical issues right now and have had all exercise put off limit. I can feel myself getting fatter every day, every hour, every minute. My tummy, my ass, my thighs, my hips, every part of me is getting bigger. I’m losing my cheekbones! 😦
You’d think that the restriction on exercising would have me restricting my food but it’s like something broke in me and I just can’t. I can’t stop eating. I can’t follow my strict rules. I eat. I eat to stuff down the emotions that are whirling inside of me that I can’t control. Most of the time I don’t even taste what I eat, I just eat. I stuff it in my mouth when no one is looking and swallow so quickly it’s a wonder I haven’t choked.
Why does food always taste so much better when you have stuffed a huge amount in your mouth? A dainty bite of something never tastes as good as a huge forkful. What’s with that?
I made a huge batch of veggie soup today, I’m hoping with that in the fridge and freezer I will stop eating the carbs, the chocolate, the crap and when I feel like I have to eat and know I can’t stop myself I can eat that. At least it won’t make me fatter, or at least not as fat as the stuff I’ve been eating.
Being inside my own head feels like a punishment. Being inside my body feels like an even worse punishment.
Why can’t I stop????