I Didn’t Mean To Go Away

I really didn’t mean to go away I just didn’t know what to write. I went back to my parent’s for Christmas, I live in a different province then the rest of the family, and it was a combo of awesome and hard.

I miss the people I left behind when I moved but in some ways it is so much easier being out here, on my own, where no one is really watching me. I couldn’t binge when I was there, or food restrict cause my mom was so obsessed about feeding me. I swear she counted more closely every calorie that went in to me than I did!

I felt so much pressure there. I always do. Pressure to be perfect. Pressure to always be happy. Pressure to always be “on”.

There is no alone time, no chill time, no left on my own time, and what baffles me is no one there seems to ever think I might want some personal time. The closest I get to being left alone is when I shower…I take long showers there…


When I got back from that trip I had a cold, then was working a lot, then got injured. I am now finally about to enjoy three wonderful days off, no longer am sick and the injury is still there but healing and much less painful then it was even just two days ago. phew.

I’m exhausted and I swear part of that exhaustion is still not having gotten over the trip. Lame.

I ate way too much food while on that trip. Normally when I eat too much it is in a binge session but that was not the case this time. I was eating more meals a day then I ever do, and larger portions per meal. I think I was eating closer to what “normal” people eat. How do they do that everyday?! Ugh.

how I feel everyime I eat

how I feel every time I eat

When I got back I felt fat. Fatter then fat, huuuuuge! I’ve avoided seeing friends because I’m sure the weight gain is obvious. It’s depressing.

I couldn’t exercise at the gym right away cause of being sick, and now cause of the injury (it is to my hip) and that pisses me off cause I have a new work out plan all organized and plotted out and I want to use it asap buuuut since I am on crutches I can’t exactly go running now can I?

i swear though, as soon as this hip thing is under control I will be pushing myself to fix the damage I caused from eating over Christmas. I want 2014 to be my year and I want to get off to a strong start!



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