Victoria Secret Fashion Show 2013

Yesterday I binged.

Not as much as I have in the past but I still binged.

Battered fish and chips, peanut butter pie covered in whipped cream, hot chocolate…I only tasted the first bite of any of the things I ate/drank, after that I was mindlessly shoveling food in to my mouth.

It’s stupid because I had a great day! I had a life changing (in a super positive way) experience, I was so excited over what had happened. Things are going in the direction I want, the level of happy was through the roof.

And yet, I binged. I am not 100% sure why…I think part of it might be fear. Fear that now I am on track to succeeding in my career I am scared because what if I am not as good as I think I am? What if I fail and fail huge? What if I can’t do it and then everyone will know? As long as I was stuck in the land of obscurity I could say that I would be awesome if only given a chance. Now I am being given a chance, what if I drop the ball? Fuuuuuuuuuck. 😦

So yeah, I binged. And while I was sitting on my living room chair, bloated and full and feeling disgusted with myself the Victoria Secret Fashion Show came on and I proceeded to be bombarded with images of perfect looking women and my feelings of inadequacy grew and grew and grew.

Lily Aldrige, Karlie Kloss, Adriana Lima, Candice Swanepoel, Bahati Prinsloo, Alessandra Ambrosio

I have to stop relying on food to get me through times of high emotion. I know that relying on the food isn’t doing me any good, isn’t healthy, isn’t normal but it’s all I have.

People will always lie.

People will always leave.

People will always let you down.

Food is always there. For the precious moments when I am binging the food makes me feel better, when I am restricting the act of restricting makes me feel better, makes me feel strong. It’s only when I am done binging I realize the food provides me false comfort. But it’s the only comfort I have, how can I give that up even if it is false?

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