Yesterday I binged.
Not as much as I have in the past but I still binged.
Battered fish and chips, peanut butter pie covered in whipped cream, hot chocolate…I only tasted the first bite of any of the things I ate/drank, after that I was mindlessly shoveling food in to my mouth.
It’s stupid because I had a great day! I had a life changing (in a super positive way) experience, I was so excited over what had happened. Things are going in the direction I want, the level of happy was through the roof.
And yet, I binged. I am not 100% sure why…I think part of it might be fear. Fear that now I am on track to succeeding in my career I am scared because what if I am not as good as I think I am? What if I fail and fail huge? What if I can’t do it and then everyone will know? As long as I was stuck in the land of obscurity I could say that I would be awesome if only given a chance. Now I am being given a chance, what if I drop the ball? Fuuuuuuuuuck. 😦
So yeah, I binged. And while I was sitting on my living room chair, bloated and full and feeling disgusted with myself the Victoria Secret Fashion Show came on and I proceeded to be bombarded with images of perfect looking women and my feelings of inadequacy grew and grew and grew.
I have to stop relying on food to get me through times of high emotion. I know that relying on the food isn’t doing me any good, isn’t healthy, isn’t normal but it’s all I have.
People will always lie.
People will always leave.
People will always let you down.
Food is always there. For the precious moments when I am binging the food makes me feel better, when I am restricting the act of restricting makes me feel better, makes me feel strong. It’s only when I am done binging I realize the food provides me false comfort. But it’s the only comfort I have, how can I give that up even if it is false?