I want liposuction.

I never say that out loud because I know the judging will start, people love to judge and I don’t want to give them more ammo.

But I do. I want liposuction. I want it more then all but one thing in my life, well, two things but it is tied in with both those things sooooo it all gets mixed up in my head for which comes in first, second and third place.

I want to be thin (and all the things that come with thin, ie, pretty, self confident, happy…) and I want to be successful in my chosen career path (part of success in the field I have chosen means looking as close to perfect as humanly possible, sigh) and I want liposuction. They all go together, a triad of things I desperately want but feel so far away from being able to get. ugh.

I know some people think it is cheating, that it won’t count if I get the fat sucked out of me, but I don’t see it like that. I see it as a stepping stone to how I want to be. Nothing wrong with stepping on a rock to cross a river right? So why can’t I hop on a surgery table to cross me over from fat to thin? It’s just a little help along the journey that will get me to skinny.

I don’t imagine getting liposuction would take away my need to restrict calories, or binge, but I do believe whole heartedly that if I lost this excess fat I’d be so happy with how I looked that I’d be better able to control myself…well, with the binging at least. I would never want to risk gaining any of the fat back and would be scared to binge the way I sometimes do now. How horrible would that be? To get all that fat sucked out then gain it back because of my own stupidity? I’d be so ashamed.

Thing is I have no money. How do people afford surgery on normal people paycheques?!?! I did some research and there is special financing meant specifically for people wanting plastic surgery. You can either get pre-approved then go get a doctor or meet with a doctor, find out how much the procedure would cost then request approval for the financing. Either way I don’t think I’d get approved. I don’t make that much money. I have student loan debt. I am paying off my car. No financing company in their right mind would give me money, or if they did the interest would be so high I’d be a moron to take it.

I hate that the surgery is relatively simple, that I could miss minimal days of work, that I am an excellent candidate for it but I can’t afford it. It feels like it is such a close solution for me but it is actually way out of my reach.

I will be getting money back from my taxes, and am hoping that combined with what little I have been able to save will be enough to pay for a big chunk of the procedure, then maybe I could finance just a small portion of it…this is the hope!

I find this picture very pretty, she's so thin, I am envious!

I find this picture very pretty, she’s so thin, I am envious!


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