The D Word

Dare I say it?

Maybe if I say it here nobody will judge me for it?…guess I’ll find out…

I think I am depressed.

*braces for accusing glares and judgement*

In my defence I have a legit reason for it, and its not anything to do with food or guys, shocking huh?

Last Friday I watched someone I know die. Not in a peaceful-they-were-in-hospital-we-all-knew-it-was-coming-way but in a sudden-and-massive-heart-attack-and-they-died-while-I-was-giving-them-cpr-way.

I can’t stop thinking about it. It is always there, if I am busy I can kinda push it aside a bit but it is still there. If I am not busy the memories are floating all over my brain just waiting for the opportunity to blast me with a flashback to that night.

I’m exhausted.

I don’t think I will ever forget how it felt to be giving chest compressions to her, how it felt to watch her stop breathing, how it felt to see the remaining glimmer of life go out of her eyes and know she was gone.

Seeing a dead body at a funeral or wake and seeing a person die right before you, oh so drastically different and to be honest, not something I had ever thought about prior to this incident.

I keep thinking if I had responded faster, been better at cpr, just…I don’t know, done something differently she would be alive and I wouldn’t have failed. I’ve never had a failure result in a person’s death before, have you? It is a weight I can’t get out from under.

When I was in University I was on track for law school, for many reasons I changed my mind but one reason, a reason I never told anybody was this…if I, as a lawyer fail, it’s not a small thing, depending on what area of law I practice, someone could go to jail for life, or lose everything in a divorce, I could cost a company millions…I could drastically alter someones life by failing, or at least by not being good enough, and that is not the kind of stress I want in my life.

On Friday I wasn’t good enough, and a lady died because of that.

Even though I know that cpr is meant more to keep blood flowing so organs can still be used for transplant and not for actually saving a life, there is still that thought in my head that it can be used to save a life, it does sometimes. But not this time. Why not this time?!?! 

I’m tired all the time now. I can’t bring myself to legit care about anything. I’m going through the motions everyday and barely managing that. I binged on my fave food, it did nothing for me. I bought something I’ve been wanting for a while, no emotional response what so ever. I can tell my emotions are stuffed down somewhere, like they are beneath the surface, stopping me from feeling anything and everything. Maybe it is a natural reaction, my body or my psyche saving me from overwhelming negative emotions but the only way to do it is to stop all emotions? I dunno.

I just know that I don’t care. I don’t care what I eat. If I sleep. Who I see. If I keep in touch with people. If I do anything at all. I could sit here all day without having showered, smelling up my apartment and I wouldn’t give a fuck. The only reason I am doing anything at all is because I don’t want to deal with the exhausting work of convincing people I am ok if they see I am not. It is much easier to act as normal as I can and not have people wonder if I am ok then have people wonder and then have to go above and beyond to convince them I am fine.

I am not fine.

But I need people to think I am fine because I can’t deal with having to make them feel better while I am feeling nothing at all.



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