I knew it wouldn’t happen, I knew the stupid fantasy I kept imagining in my head about my trip this past weekend wouldn’t actually come true and yet…and yet I kept letting myself imagine it, I kept wondering what I would do if it really happened, I kept focusing on it…and all that accomplished was to make me sad once the weekend was over. sigh.
Sure, I’m sad cause my official race season is over but mostly I am sad because the fantasy didn’t come true.
Why is it, even when you know what you are imagining is not going to happen you still get upset when it doesn’t happen??
Last year at this race festival I met G, the guy I’ve written about before that I’m still not over *rolls eyes* how we got together was a story I cherished, I thought it was so, well, not romantic, but original, and fun, and perfect. Most of my memories of that weekend involve the partying after the races were done and then that night with G. They are great memories.
This year though, I am single, still moping around (though not in public or to my friends), and dreading the weekend because it had the potential to (1) cause me pain (2) not live up to the prior year and (3) bring my recurring fantasy to a dead stop. I didn’t particularly want any of those to happen, duh. 😉
The fantasy of G seeing me, talking to me in private, wanting me back, saying all the things I wish he would say to me has been shattered because not only did he not find me during the weekend to talk to me, he wasn’t even there! His team wasn’t there and he didn’t sub in with any other teams that went so all this time, all this angst I have been going through, all for naught since what I was fantasizing about would never be able to happen because we weren’t even in the same freakin city!
I guess I should be glad, glad I didn’t have the pain of seeing him there and having him ignore me, having the pain of him being there and not try to get me back, having the panic attack inducing pain that I get when I glimpse him on a normal practice day but this time it being in the city where we started. I am glad I didn’t have any of that pain. But that doesn’t mean I’m not dealing with a different pain now, a pain I don’t know how to get rid of, a pain that won’t leave me alone, a pain that makes me oh so aware of just how alone I am. 😦
I heard a song the other day by Maria Mena called Sorry, the lyrics really hit a spot in me, made me get teary, and I had a hard time breathing for a bit. 😦 They just really hit home, and that partly ashamed me. She sings about being willing to change for him and everything I have ever believed is that no one should ever change themselves to keep someone else around. If the other person doesn’t want to be around you as you are they won’t stay with you even if you make changes, people suck like that. But that song, when she sang that line and I got even sadder I realized that I connected with that line because part of me would change in any way G wants if only he would take me back.
I hate that about myself.
Thing is, even if he popped up right now and got on his knees and grovelled and begged for me to take him back I would never trust him again, so it would never work. I don’t trust easy but I had learned to trust him, he broke that trust and no way would I ever be able to trust him again but that doesn’t stop the fantasy he will come back, we will be together, I won’t be so alone anymore.
I hate that I still miss him.