This Coming Weekend

This coming weekend I am going away, to a town that shall remain nameless, to compete in my sport. I am involved in a team sport and I love it!

For all that I love the sport, sometimes I really hate having to deal with people, and on a team there are a looooot of people!

Last season I got selected to be used in an ad campaign for my sport, when at the photo shoot I met a guy, T, who was on another team. We got along really well and chatted the whole way through the shoot. When I was done I had to bolt because I was parked somewhere I wasn’t supposed to be and I was worried I’d have a ticket or be towed so I said bye and left. Afterwards I was kicking myself for not getting his facebook info or something but oh well right?

Well, he managed to find me on facebook and we got to chatting. We became really good friends, having epically long text messaging convos that eventually turned in to phone calls that lasted for hours an hours. We talked about everything and anything. Somehow I ended up subbing on his team (they were short some people) and we became even better friends. My roomie said he liked me but he’d never made any advances towards me or given any indication he thought of me as anything but a friend so I shrugged off what she said.

Somehow though our convos evolved, talking about more personal things, then eventually to sexting and phone sex. Hey, don’t judge! 😛

We didn’t hang out much outside of practice because we lived nowhere near each other but we agreed to get together one evening. We went for dinner then back to his place and our phone sex turned in to real sex. Now, in my world I don’t have one night stands, if I sleep with someone it is because I am in a relationship with them. So this was way out of character for me, we weren’t dating, but we were so close to each other. Did sleeping together mean we were now dating? I dunno…I was confused but couldn’t figure out how to ask him his opinion without sounding like the cliched girl wanting to know “what does this mean?” So I just didn’t ask, and stayed confused, and continued to sleep with him but have to pay for my own meals and never acknowledge we had anything going on when at practice (he didn’t want the team to know) and basically feel like I was a fuck buddy.

Then we (the team I mean) traveled to the same city we are going to this weekend to compete in the same race festival we are going to compete in this coming weekend. The weekend bombed in some ways but in one big way it glowed, that is where I met G. I have written about him before, he is the guy I am still trying to get over…not doing so great at that fyi.

He was also subbing on the team but we never talked or anything before that weekend. A group of us got wicked drunk the sat night and he and I ended up crashing on the same fold out bed. We were laying there, drunk, talking about all kinds of random stuff and laughing our asses off (everything is so much funnier when drunk lol) and he out of the blue leaned over and kissed me. I literally didn’t see it coming, it was dark and my glasses were off. We had a pretty intense make out session but I didn’t let it lead to sex cause I wasn’t sure what was going on with T and I, and I don’t do one night stands, and even drunk I knew I didn’t want to have sex with someone I don’t know. I slept that night in his arms, my head on his shoulder. I kept rolling away, paranoid in my drunken state T would somehow find out, or see us through the window (curtains were closed so that wasn’t actually possible…), I also kept thinking it was wrong that I felt so comfortable curled up with him. But everytime i rolled away I almost immediately rolled back and he curled up around me right away, like I was meant to be there.

So now fast forward to an almost year from that weekend and T is dating someone else on the team (I officially joined his team, so it is “our” team now), he’s dating someone I’m friends with, someone he acknowledges in front of the team, someone he seems to treat way better then how he treated me, someone who as far as I know doesn’t know that he and I had a fling. G and I broke up and I’m still having trouble dealing with that. And as much as I am looking forward to the racing this weekend, I am not looking forward to the city, the festival, the memories I am worried will swamp me when I get there, and spend the weekend there, because so much for me changed when I was there last year and I can’t see this year living up to last year.

It makes me sad. It also makes me stress and hyperventilate a little bit.

I have this fantasy that G will be there also and somehow, over the weekend we will magically end up together. Or he’ll at least admit he made a huge mistake breaking up with me and beg for another chance and I’ll be cool and untouchable and strong and tell him no because I could never trust him again and leave him as crushed as he left me.

I know it won’t happen but that fantasy has gotten me through some rough nights and I guess I’m freaking out so much because the weekend is almost here, and I know none of that will happen, and then I will have nothing again.

No fantasy.

No G.

No one who cares about me.

No one.

It will re-enforce just how alone I am. Which sucks. 😦

Oh, in regards to T, I realized I really don’t want to date him, he has too many things about him that drive me absolutely nuts, he could only of ever been a short term thing but it ended in such a weird way. We just sort of drifted apart, via text. It was awkward and I felt bad, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings but after that weekend where I met G he asked me on a date and I said yes and it was the most romantic date ever and why would I choose T, someone who saw me as a fuck buddy over G who was making an effort to win me over.

Guess, really, to save myself the pain I should have chosen T but I couldn’t of known that at the time!…

When the new season started I could tell T no longer saw me as a friend, he has been distant the whole season, barely talks to me, it’s been hard, I miss having him as a friend.

What is sick and twisted is T is dating D, they seem happy, D is my friend so I am glad she is happy and since I have no desire to have T I shouldn’t care they are together, but, I do. I don’t know why I do, I just do. I want to drive a wedge between them. I want them to be over, done, finished. I want them to quit seeing each other, and I have no idea why! It isn’t cause I want him back. Could it be because if my relationship failed and I am sad I want him to be too? That makes no sense at all! But so far it’s the only thing I have come up with…

All I really know at this point is this weekend is coming up fast, and I am going to have to spend the whole weekend tamping down pain, and forcing myself to act like everything is great and I am happy, oh, and I will be constantly surrounded by people which means I will have no way to avoid food, ugh. Food + Emotional Upset = Not Good Situation!

I think I will go to bed and let myself indulge in my fantasy about G and this weekend one more time, once the weekend is over I won’t have anything to lean on as a crutch so I can pretend this pain will get better so I might as well use it now while I can.

Yes, I am aware of how lame that is, don’t remind me.

no wonder I am so alone