Why do I always have time to post when I am crazy massive tired? ugh.
This guy, there is this guy from ten years ago that I dated, more then dated, was in an actual relationship with that found me a month or so ago on facebook. He said “hi”. I said it back. From there it turned in to facebook messages, then to texting, then to him randomly saying he is coming to my city to visit.
Here?? To MY city?!?! Whyyyyyyyy???
He said it was cause he needed to get away and while we had been texting he realized he still felt a deep connection and wants to be friends.
With a guy I used to care deeply for, then hated, then had no feelings for what so ever.
Who does that? *confused face*
Like that wasn’t weird enough but when I learned he was for sure coming, had been given a date and time of arrival all I could think of was “I’m too fat to be seen by him” He knew me ten years ago, I was way smaller then, thin, pretty…all the things I wish I could be now. I want him to remember me how I was, because then at least in someone’s eyes I am still that girl. I don’t want him to see me as I am now, fat, ugly…me…
Can’t I stay good looking in someone’s eyes???
Apparently not. 😦
He came, we visited, we had a surprisingly good time, almost no awkwardness and he made (without me prompting him!) positive comments about how I look…especially my ass, he really seemed to like my ass. Weirdo.
Now he is back in his city and we text and occasionally talk on the phone and I am trying to figure out what it all meant, if anything. Does it have to mean anything? Probably not…
He keeps talking about coming to visit again, see me again, just as friends, and now I am feeling one more pressure, one more burden to hurry up and get thinner, look better, be prettier, because now I have one more person I feel I need to impress.
It is exhausting, this addition of one more person.
One more person to let down when I fail. One more person to be fat in front of. One more person who will have to hide being embarrassed to be seen in public with me. One more person I have to hide my food habits from. One more person I have to pretend with that I am happy, healthy, not food obsessed.
One. More. Person.
How many more am I expected to be able to deal with? I can barely keep everything hidden from the people I have in my life now. Sometimes I want to confess to someone, I want to let it all out, relieve myself of the burden of keeping these secrets, let somebody else deal with it. But I know I never will, who am I kidding with thoughts like that? To tell someone opens up my world, takes it away from my control, puts me in danger of being watched more, controlled more, forced to do what so called experts think I should to be healthy when all I want is to be skinny, to be pretty, to be perfect.
I will never tell. Which means I will somehow find a way to hide from one more person all that I really am and all that I really do because to not manage the deception is unthinkable.