This could probably have a wittier title but I have been awake for almost 24 hours and am freakin tired. ugh.
I went out for dinner with a friend today. I wasn’t as strict with myself about eating when I was out with her because prior to that I had eaten 2 pieces of brown toast, one protein shake, one calorie free mint and a chinese bun from the bakery. The bun should NOT have happened but I was super tired and needed the quick energy from the carbs, sigh.
I have replaced one meal a day with my protein shake which is working out great! Cause that means I eat one meal and I drink one meal, on the whole it is making me feel a lot better about myself because I’m getting lots of nutrients from my protein shake but not a lot of calories! Also, I feel less guilty about drinking something as a meal then eating something as a meal…don’t know why but I do, shrug.
Went out for dinner and split two different appies with my friend then ate a burger. Kill me. So much food! Not cool! 😦 I should have just had the appies, or just the burger if I was going to insist on eating something way filling, but to eat all of it, I suck! *shakes head* I can’t purge quickly yet, no matter how much I try. I saw this documentary that followed a group of ladies in rehab for eating disorders, they could literally just stand in front of a toilet, bend over and purge – how the fuck did they do that?!?! I wish I knew how to do that, sigh. But alas, I don’t know how so I have to stick something down my throat to set off my gag reflex and that doesn’t always work, it can take me a long time to get a purge going which effectively stops me from being able to purge anywhere but at home, lame. By the time I got home the food was too long in my tummy for me to be able to do anything about it so now I am stuck with all those calories in me, it makes me want to cry.
What is ironic is my friend told me at dinner today I am looking healthier then ever before. Last year this time I was on a super strict eating plan and exercise regime, I won’t go in to details but I basically took a plan given to me by a trainer then make it stricter so it would work faster – and it did! I was toning up, getting skinny, looking soooo good! Fitting in to smaller an smaller sizes, amazing! The plan was super hard to maintain though, and I know, if I had any kind of real drive i would find a way to maintain it but I don’t know how, my new job got in the way and I was never able to figure out how to fit that plan around this job. At the time I knew I was doing well cause of what size clothes I was wearing but I wanted to do even better, I wanted to lose even more! I still do, duh.
I didn’t realize it, but this time last year my face was gaunt. Apparently my cheekbones stuck out a lot and my face looked unhealthy because it got so skinny. I wish I could have noticed and appreciated that at the time, sigh. So my friend says today that back then she didn’t want to say anything but she thought I had pushed it too far, was going too extreme, was becoming sick, maybe had a problem,
But now? Now my cheekbones have filled in a bit, I look healthier, I look like someone who allows herself to eat. I look better.
That made me want to run to a bathroom and purge like you wouldn’t believe.
What she is really saying is I look fatter then last year. 😦 Fatter! Fuck.
I tried to tip toe around confessing that I’m not healthy now, that I have worse eating habits now then I did back then, that I do things now I didn’t back then (purge etc), that it is actually now, when I look fatter, that I have the problem, that I am maybe going too far. She didn’t hear me. She didn’t want to. She ignored my tentative sort of almost vague confession because she was focusing on how my fat cheeks make me look healthier and she isn’t worried about me anymore.
Should she be worried? Sometimes I am worried. When i look at the contents of my fridge and cupboards, when I think about all the foods I don’t eat, and all the things I purge, when I think about all the shit I am doing to myself in my desperate attempt to lose more weight I get a bit worried. But then I shake it off. I am going in to this with my eyes wide open, I am managing what I do to myself so I don’t cause permanent damage to my teeth or esophagus or other body parts/systems. I am taking part in my various weight loss rituals in as close to a healthy way as can be managed. And if I go to bed hungry every night and want to sleep every day away because I don’t have enough energy to function? Well that is for me to deal with, not my friend, who thinks I am healthy now.
What she said made me think though and I have to make some sort of drastic change, without it becoming apparent to anybody I know. I think I will go back to what I was doing last year, or as close to it as I can manage. There must be a way to make it work with my work schedule, maybe it just requires more planning, I can do that, I think…
I lost my cheekbones and now look healthy…I want my cheekbones back, I don’t care if my face was so thin it made friends wonder if I had gone too far, I want to be so thin people whisper about how skinny I’ve gotten, I know those whispers will be envious comments about how I’ve gotten so thin, and while that will be awesome I most look forward to standing in front of a mirror and seeing my cheekbones again, along with a super skinny body to match them. I just have to figure out how to get there…