I Don’t Know How To Feel

I’m all conflicted, about two different things, and don’t know what to do…well, actually, there is nothing I can do about either situation, I just don’t know how to deal with my reactions, sigh.

Here’s the first situation:

I was dating a guy, we were in love, that changed, we broke up. He said I wasn’t a girl guys feel 100% about, I am a “for now” girl, not a “forever girl”. That was his second reason for breaking up with me, his first was more along the lines of “he wants to be with me, when we aren’t together he’s always thinking of me, but he’s going through stressful times at work and when he’s done work for the day all he wants to do is sit on his couch, watch tv, and  not interact with the world or think”.  I’m not sure which is true, but I do know that the “I’m not a forever girl” has stuck with me, resonated through every fiber of my being, repeats itself over and over and over in my head. Those words harass my every day, and night, I hear them in my dreams, I hear them when I look in the mirror, when I eat, when I exercise…I hear them all the time.

So I’ve been trying to get over that, move past it, something. But he made it hard. After we broke up he kept texting, wanting to hang out, wanting to be “friends”, wanting wanting wanting. All he was thinking about was himself and it was making me unable to cope not only with the breakup but with life so I stopped responding to his texts. He gave up for a bit then started texting about taking me for a bday dinner, he wouldn’t let up, to keep this post short-ish I’ll just say that I eventually caved and said yes. He picked me up, we went to a fancy restaurant, had a lovely meal, then at the end he surprised me with front row tickets to Cirque de Soleil, Front Row!! We went to the show, had an amazing time, he insisted on buying me any souvenir I wanted, then he brought me home. He got out of the car when he dropped me off, gave me a big hug and I went in while he drove off.

I was so confused. 😦

What was that?? If we’d been together I would have been bragging about the best date ever, but, that wasn’t a date, that was…something…

The next day he texted to see how I was doing (I’d been in a car accident the day prior), I told him I was in pain but fine, craving a snack but I didn’t have any snacky food around. He asked what I wanted and said he’d get me anything I wanted. So he got me Starbucks, brings it over, hangs out for a bit, we chat, he leaves. Why did he do that??

I flew out the next day and returned a week later, the whole time I was gone he texted me. If we hadn’t had a huge break up I’d swear we were still together cause he was acting the way he did when we were dating. When I returned he kept texting, but I couldn’t handle it anymore and I stopped responding, or if I did respond it was with one word answers. He waited a week or so, texted asking how I was enjoying the new tv I got on my trip and I responded with “it’s fine, I don’t watch it much”. I didn’t hear from him again.

It took me weeks to stop looking for his name to show up on my phone. I in equal parts wanted him to contact me and didn’t want him to.

I didn’t have any contact with him until last week when there was an awkward encounter in the parkade. We both participate in the same sport but different teams. I was early, waiting for a friend that I was going to go running with and so was sitting in my suv reading. A white car, same brand as his parked in front of my suv, the trunk of that car was facing the front of my suv. I glanced up when it parked to see if it was my running friend but it wasn’t so I ignored it but the person didn’t get out so I glanced up and saw his face in his rearview mirror. But it couldn’t be him cause that isn’t his car! I kept subtly looking up and I realized the car is a service car, the ones you get when your car is in the shop ya know? Which meant that totally could be him. Fuck. I didn’t know what to do! If he thought I knew it was him but was ignoring him then I should keep ignoring him. Maybe he didn’t realize I was in my suv. Maybe I should get out of mine but go to the trunk and pretend to be rummaging through my stuff for something so I have a reason to not deal with him. I didn’t know!

In the end, he got out, slammed his door and walked away. After he was gone I stopped pretending to read my book, I couldn’t concentrate, and was basically staring in to space trying to get ahold of myself when he reappeared at the freakin car! He put his parkade receipt on the dash, got his gear from the trunk, slammed the door and trunk lid, and walked off.

It hurt. That must seem stupid but it did. Everytime I had seen him he used to treat me with affection, with love, now he slams doors and ignores me. My heart hurt. 😦

About 4 days later I couldn’t take it anymore so I texted him asking what happened to his car. He responded saying it was in the shop, it got rear ended. I asked if it was bad. He said 12K worth of damage, gonna take a month to repair. I asked if he was ok. He responded with he was fine, he wasn’t in the car, his gf was driving, she has whip lash.

His gf????

The whooooole time we were together he NEVER let us use gf or bf because he wanted to take things slow, see where they would lead, not rush things, not label us.

But now, he has a gf that he lets drive his car? His car is his freakin baby, nobody touches that thing. But apparently she does. His gf.

So…what was I? Not worthy of being called his gf? Somehow less than her? Someone he never cared for?

I was easily thrown away, but all this time I comforted myself with the thought he did once love me, even though it didn’t work out. And maybe once our sport season started up again and he saw me again he’d want me again. i had all these fantasies about what would happen. Now obviously none of them are coming true.

I was devastated all over again. I didn’t text him back.

It brought everything rising to the surface again. I stopped eating because I was too sad, had no appetite, was staring in to space shocked and drained and depressed. I tried cutting myself and didn’t do a very good job of it, apparently skin is harder to cut then I realized. I wish I could run away.

I had no one to tell anything to, no one willing to listen, I have to deal with this on my own and I don’t know how. I don’t know why I am so easily discarded and some new girl is so easily brought in to his life. When we would cuddle my head fit perfectly on his shoulder, we called it the “nook”, we’d joke about it being my nook or his nook. We’d joke about nobody else being allowed to ever use it, he said it was mine forever. I really miss feeling his arms around me, holding me, making me feel safe and cared for. I really miss my nook. But it’s not mine anymore, it is some other woman’s. I hate her and I don’t even know who she is. I wish he’d been in the car and also gotten whip lash. I simultaneously want to see what she looks like and I don’t want to see her because she must be better then me, skinnier, prettier, less of a nut job about food. She’s probably perfect. And just who he wants. And I am all alone. Always alone.

Even though it ended badly, and he said horrible things, and sometimes when I think about it I realize we probably wouldn’t have been the best long term fit, I still miss him. I miss feeling important to someone. I miss having someone care about me. I miss his voice, his smile, his hugs, his jokes, his way of calling me “babe and baby”. Now he calls someone else that. Lets someone else rest their head on his shoulder, in my nook! He has moved on. Forgotten about me. And I might as well be back at the first week after we broke up because I am that affected by this whole situation still.

On top of that, a friend’s brother heard the whole situation and said if I hadn’t stopped texting him normally this probably wouldn’t of happened. He was apparently still texting me to keep me in his life, know he still had a chance of getting me back, but my trying to help myself heal and not text with him anymore made him stop trying. So, if I had answered a longer answer when he texted about the tv we might be together now? So much value put on one text message? How is that possible? It sinks me down even deeper in to the hole I am in, knowing our not being together is most likely my fault and can be traced to that text.

I don’t know what to feel, how to feel, I keep thinking about him, it doesn’t make me feel good at all, I need to move on but I can’t figure out how. I have been restricting my calories more, and exercising more, hoping when he sees me he’ll realize what he is missing but who am I kidding? I’m still too fat. He’ll never look at me again. I’ve lost him.

I’m alone.

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