Emotionally Yours

Today didn’t start out as an emotional whopper of a day, it started out fairly normally. I’ve been down lately, I put the blame for that on having to go to a funeral and eating carbs as a result of said funeral. But I was determined to move past both the funeral stuff and the carb eating catastrophe and do better today – and for the most part I did, but something happened in the evening that has left me, well, sad.

I am sad.

Sad enough I want to cry. I refrain because (1) I’ve cried enough over this situation and (2) I think I have actually backtracked in my healing process so now I am sad but mostly in a state of numb, whereas before I was numb then gradually moved to sad, then angry, then other stuff till I got to today. A state that I thought was labelled “over it and moved on”, but I guess not. ūüė¶

When will this pain end? The length of time that is socially acceptable to be upset by this situation has long since passed me by so I can’t talk to anyone about this. I don’t even have the words to explain to anyone, well, explain and not sound crazy that is.

Let me try to cliff notes for you what is going on…

I compete in a sport that I will not name because I’m trying to stay¬†anonymous¬†over here lol for the sake of having a word lets use kayaking. My ex also kayaks but on a different team. We both competed in this sport before we knew each other, in fact, that is how we met (we were both subbing on the same team for part of a season) so not like either of us can stake a claim to it and tell the other to bugger off. Well, we broke up during off season and I was devastated. The break up was initiated by him and I had no idea it was coming. He gave me a reason (which seemed pretty lame to me) but what can I do? I can’t make him want to be with me. Then a week later he says “this isn’t what I wanted”, what he meant was he wanted us to still be friends but I wasn’t having any of that and had cut off contact with him. So then he gives me a second reason for breaking up with me that was harsh and is still repeating itself over and over in my head. It won’t get out! Why won’t it get out??

He said he thought about it and deep down he doesn’t feel 100% about me. That he wants to get married and have kids and blah blah blah and I’m not the right girl for that. I am good for now but he wants to stop wasting his time and find the girl he is going to marry.

I am a waste of time. I am not someone a guy feels 100% about. I am a throw away. When he said that I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.

Everytime I think about it (which is daily) my chest literally hurts and my breathing goes short and I want to cry. I feel my eyes glaze over and I stop interacting with the world, I barely see the world, I am just an outsider stuck here, where I don’t belong, waiting to be thrown away by the next person who sees all my inadequacies.

It has been months and even though everything he said bounces around in my head I have relearned to function. I have mastered the art of smiling and laughing and making it seem like I am just perfectly fine. No one has any idea how depressed I still am over this whole situation and none of them ever will.

Kayak season is on again, has been for a couple months and our paths have mildly crossed a couple times, not enough to actually involve an active snub from either of us or anything but tonight that changed. I was there early waiting for my running partner (we run before practice) and I was sitting in my parked vehicle reading a book killing time. Everytime a vehicle drove by I looked up to see if it was her and when it wasn’t I went back to reading. A vehicle parked right in front of mine, I was nose in and they backed in so when I looked up I was looking at the trunk end of the car. It wasn’t the blue of my friends so I went back to my book. But something must have hit me¬†subliminally¬†cause I glanced back up and saw what looked like my exes face in the rear view mirror reflection. But his car is black and this car is white so it can’t be him. But then I notice a sticker, this car is a service car, you know, the kind you get when yours is in the shop. So maybe it is him…it’s the right brand of car…

It’s hard to tell from that brief glance at a tiny piece of mirror reflection but I think it is him and I don’t know what to do. I am just killing time reading. Do I get out? Do I leave? Do I pretend the person I am waiting for arrived and get out of the parkade? Do I grab my phone and pretend I got a funny text? Do I pretend to keep reading? (I say pretend because by this point nothing on the pages was registering in my brain) What the fuck do I do???

He just sat in his car for a while, I could hear his music playing. Was he wondering what to do too? Did he even realize I am there? Did he even care?

He eventually got out of the car and slammed the door pretty hard, harder then he usually does, it made me look up but when I looked up he was already walking away from the car. I thought he was gone so I gave up pretending to do anything and just stared at nothing, eyes glazed over and I tried to get over my shortness of breath at seeing him again after all this time. But then he returned with his parking receipt and got his kayak equipment from the trunk and then was gone. I don’t know if he ever even glanced at me since I was so careful to take super quick glances and I’m sure he never caught me doing that.

Our kayaks crossed paths on the water a couple times and everytime they did I couldn’t help but pick him out of his team, check him out quickly, see the shape of his nose, notice his profile, wish he would glance at me and smile…he didn’t…he always just sat there, staring straight ahead looking stern…which is normal for him when he’s at practice or at a competition…

The whole thing left me sad, and depressed, mildly shocked even though it shouldn’t. It’s the first time I have ever seen him and not had contact with him. I know, I know, before we were dating, now we are not, now I am nothing to him, but I’ve never been ignored by him and it hurt. I still think about how it felt to have his arm around me, to rest my head on his shoulder, and the loss of that makes me weep, and lose my breath, and once again feel pain in my chest.

He apparently doesn’t even notice I exist. Which makes my pain over losing him that much more pathetic.

I want to know if he did see me. I think he must of. I want to know if he slammed the car door harder then normal because of me or was that a fluke. I want to know if he felt anything when he saw me. If he misses me at all. If he is with someone new and better then me. I want to know why he was in that car and not his own. I want to know if he ever thinks about me. I want to know if seeing me caused him any anguish. I want to know why he didn’t text me after practice was over or make some sort of contact with me. I want…I want him back even though I know that won’t happen…

I know I am too fat to be loved by anyone. I know I am easily forgotten. I know I fall under the category of out of sight out of mind. I know I am not worth his time, his thoughts, his emotions. I know, deep down if I am truly honest with myself, that he most likely barely remembers my name and I am mourning over something long dead. But knowing that and finding the strength to move on are two different things.

I know if I am not careful I will wallow in this for a long time, that this one sighting, this one evenings experience can bring everything to the surface (even more so then it already has) and I will be right back where I was when it comes to healing and being over it but I don’t know how to fight that sadness. If I go back to being numb things will almost be easier. I won’t feel anything about anything. I won’t have an appetite. I won’t care about anything. I’ll just sleep a lot, listen to sad music, stare into space, exercise. Maybe sliding back in to that numb state will be good for me, maybe I’ll lose weight faster when I am like that. And is it truly pathetic to be thinking that if I lose the weight faster maybe he’ll notice me again before the season is out and want to be with me because I am finally skinny enough to deserve his attention?

how my heart feels

how my heart feels

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