a thing of beauty

a thing of beauty

One part of my body that I actually like is my collarbone area. Why you ask? Because it is bony and everytime I look in the mirror I push my shoulders in a bit and make the collarbone stand out and I just stare in rapture because there is one little part of me that looks good.

I want the bones. I want all the bones! The hipbones. The vertebrae column. The ribs, man I can’t wait for the ribs! I lust after them so much. I know I will be skinny enough once I can stand naked in front of a mirror and see bones.

For now I have the collarbone. While it’s not enough to make me happy, it can stop me from spiraling down in to total despair. I figure, if I can manage to get those ones to stick out then for sure I can get the rest, right?

One part of me that is naturally thin are my wrists. I take them as a sign that I am supposed to be super skinny but have fucked it up over the years and now have to get it back. I can wrap my thumb and my pinky around my wrist and have them meet. I want to have them meet and have wiggle room between the closed circuit of my finger and thumb and my wrist,  but again, for now, that is at least something I can look at and use to give me hope.

When I’m contemplating food and am stressing about it I tend to touch my fingers to my collarbone and feel the bone. That helps me to not eat because I am so scared of losing the bony feeling.

One day I will be all bone, and I will be beautiful, and someone will love me, and I’ll be so good at resisting food I won’t have to work so hard at it anymore, and I will be happy.

I’m really looking forward to that day. 🙂


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