I thought Sunday was going to suck ass. How could it not? I was going to be surrounded by food at work because of an easter buffet and worse, surrounded by people who would be expecting me to eat that food, in front of them, and odds were good I wouldn’t be able to run away to the bathroom to try to throw it all up so I’d be stuck with all that food in my body. This to me is a horror show!
Turns out my willpower kicked in on Sunday, yah me! I did have to eat but the food that was on my plate was 3/4 veggies and one tiny little slice of salmon. Veggies are almost always a safe food for me, unless some idiot drowns them in a sauce or something, and these were at most in vinaigrette type dressings so I decided I could deal with that for one day. The salmon was a super tiny piece, it was a challenge eating it in front of people. I don’t mind quite as much when eating a safe food in front of people, I feel they won’t be judging me because it’s a safe food (and yes, I’m aware the label of “safe food” is only in my head not theirs but whatever). Salmon however is not a safe food, no protein is. I ate it in itty bitty bites and kept pushing it around on my plate, after every bite I had to convince myself it was ok to take another bite and I had to do it quickly cause I was obviously lagging in speed compared to those eating around me and they all had huge portions.
Sidenote, everytime I see someone I know eating or drinking something super bad for them or just in too large of a quantity I want to physically block them from putting it in their mouths and tell them why they shouldn’t be eating/drinking that item because of how bad it is. It disgusts me when I see people eating and drinking things that are super bad or in large quantities. The only bonus to that is it makes me feel nauseous and terrified that if I eat something I will end up looking like that or worse so it totally acts as a deterrent to me eating.
Back to sunday. I ate a not completely horrible meal and right after work I went for a hike where I pushed myself really hard so I think I probably burned off most if not all of what I ate which is great! What a great way to spend a day I thought would suck food wise! When I got home I made a protein shake. My protein shakes makes it so I don’t have to eat actual food cause I have the protein powder, omega 3 oil, vege powder and flax seed – as well as some other stuff, but with all those powders it covers my protein and veg nutritional needs without me having to eat food, isn’t it great?! 😀
Today however totally through me for a loop and it was a downward spiral from 7:30am onwards. I hate myself today! There is freakin easter candy all over work, chocolate this, malteese that, sugar candies, jelly beans, seriously, they are all set up everywhere! Like little mines waiting to trip you up! They totally tripped me up! 😦 I was nibbling on candy all day. I’m so stupid. Why I didn’t pull out some calorie free mints or some gum I have no idea, I just kept nibbling. What is worse is at lunch my break was put earlier then normal so I was on break with other people (a manager) who would notice if I didn’t eat so I went to get something tiny from the kitchen and the chef gave me a freakin loaded down plate, loaded! Two burritos, side salad, half a sandwich, so gross. He wanted me to take soup too but I flat out refused. I mean, what was I gonna do with the food he already gave me??? It was too much to be able to throw it away discretely. Fuck. 😦 I ate all but part of the sandwich, what is wrong with me?!?!?!
It gets worse! After work I was not hungry, like, at all! How could I be?? But apparently that doesn’t matter in the land of me because I came home, didn’t exercise at all, ate half a pie (I would have eaten more but that is all there was left) and more easter candy. I ate it all! I can feel myself getting fatter as I type this. 😦 😦 My fat cells are probably bumping in to everything cause they are so big, like the fat kid in high school, how they can’t get through the hallways without bumping in to people and lockers. Fuck. My fat cells are the fat kid in high school. Kill me.
I feel disgusting but for some reason haven’t purged. I don’t know why. I wish I had, it’s too late now, I won’t be able to get anything up. I’m gonna totally have to make this up tomorrow and more! Super strict tomorrow to compensate! Exercise twice in the day, minimal if any food, maybe just the protein shake, that’s probably the best idea.
I’m so mad at myself. I feel fat and disgusting and pissed off. I have something really important happening on Friday I need to look good for, no way will I look like anything but a blob if I don’t get this under control. I’m gonna go take a laxative (tmi?) so I can get this outta me as fast as possible. I’m just so mad I want to punch something!