Tomorrow, Sunday, is Easter. This doesn’t mean anything to me except for chocolate, chocolate in all the stores, dressed up as cute little eggs and bunnies, chocolate given as gifts by well meaning people who make comments about how I need fattening up or don’t need to worry about what I eat, chocolate that ends up in my kitchen, then in my hand, then in my mouth, then in my stomach then on my thighs, ass, tummy, love handles, everywhere! Expanding my fat cells to make me even bigger. Bringing my self confidence even farther down so as I type this post just thinking about all that chocolate makes me want to cry.
Thinking about chocolate shouldn’t ever make a person want to cry, unless it’s a pms-ing girl (I can say that cause I have cried when pms-ing and craving chocolate but there is none around *rolls eyes*).
I love chocolate.
I hate that chocolate exists.
Tomorrow at my work there is a huge Easter buffet, there will be more food at that buffet then a homeless person sees in one years time. It is disgusting how much food will be there. I know in advance how much there will be because it’s a repeat of the Christmas buffet. Every type of food you can think of, in large quantities, so much food that at the end of the day there will be enough food thrown out to feed a homeless person for one year (if you could stop the food from spoiling that is).
I will have to work near all that food, listen to people exclaim how great it tastes, smell it, crave it, and not touch it. But once the customers are done the staff will be invited by our manager to go through the buffet, take whatever we want, sit down, relax, eat at leisure before getting back to work. He is well meaning. I can see how the thought is nice. I can see how those I work with enjoy the opportunity to eat amazing food, to indulge a bit more then they might normally because everything tastes so good.
I will hate this time for so many reasons. (1) I don’t like people seeing me eat but if I don’t eat something it’ll be noticed and I’ll be asked relentlessly why I am not eating (2) I’ll only be taking fresh fruit and veggies, maaaaybe a tiny bit of protein but even though I’ll feel I have a large amount of food I’ll be teased and made fun of for having such a small serving compared to everyone else, I hate being noticed because of my food choices (3) this will be a huge test of my willpower and I am already terrified I will fail and eat more then I should because right now, as I type this, I am super hungry because today was a seriously restricted calorie day and my tummy is letting me know it is not impressed.
I’m not good at coping with situations like this. I’m stressing about what is going to happen tomorrow. I am taking some safe foods and will hopefully be able to keep people off my back about what I choose from the buffet line by making what food I do select seem like more then it is…I’m already planning how to purge whatever I do eat without people realizing I am nipping in to the bathroom so soon after eating. This one guy at work notices everything about me (cause he likes me, not cause he’s creepy), he’s one of the chefs and is always trying to feed me, drives me nuts. I know tomorrow he’ll notice what I put on my plate and how much of it I eat, I’ll have to make sure I sit far away from him. Man, I wish I could call in sick tomorrow, sigh.