I am a liar. I am a fraud. I am not who you should be emulating or admiring or giving positive re-enforcement to. And yet…
I have a different blog, a positive blog about healthy weight loss. I used to believe what I wrote on that blog. I actually did the things I wrote about. Things like losing weight gradually, eating a healthy balanced diet, daily exercise…and it worked, for a while. Then I hit a plateau that I couldn’t break through no matter how healthy I was. I stayed like that for a while, at a supposed healthy weight, glad I wasn’t as fat as I used to be but miserable because I wanted to be skinnier and nothing I did made that happen.
I got depressed, went off my eating plan, didn’t exercise as much, started starving myself, making lists of safe foods and foods I could never ever touch but I failed at that. I couldn’t even starve myself properly, I suck. So I started binge eating. I would go for days and days with hardly any food intake then boom! I’d cave, because I am weak and pathetic, and I’d eat something horrible for me. I don’t mean sorta bad, I mean HORRIBLE!!!! Like an entire cinnamon bun, or cookies, or cereal, or ice cream. I’m disgusting.
Now I’m in a cycle I can’t break, I don’t know if I want to break it, I don’t know how it can be broken without me getting fatter and that I can’t allow. But I need an outlet for what I really think and feel while I am in this cycle. My other blog, I still post in it on a regular basis. I have dedicated readers who ask me advice, who read what I have written and apply it to their weight loss journey. There is a whole network of people out there who are losing weight in so called healthy ways and it is working for them but it stopped working for me. I don’t belong to that community anymore, but I am still in it, like that kids story about the ugly duckling, the swan being with all the ducks but not belonging, except I won’t turn in to a swan, at the rate I’m going I’ll be this fat girl forever.
I’m not looking for someone to pat me on the head and say everything will be ok, I’m not looking for someone to make me all better (whatever that means), this isn’t a cry for help. This blog is so I can write what I am really going through, sort through all the crap that is in my head, record what I do and don’t eat, what I do and don’t do for exercise, when I purge because I just can’t stand what or how much I ate.
I am embarking on a weight loss journey I can’t mention in my other blog because that blog is read by my friends, family, people I don’t know but who somehow look to me for help in their weight loss. I can’t tell the truth there because I will be letting them down, be opening myself up to their criticism, their judgments. I already know I am a disappointment but I can’t face the idea of them knowing that.
So here is what I do that no one knows about, I calorie restrict to extreme amounts, I starve, I binge, I purge, I exercise to extremes, I take laxatives, I take extra fiber, I take vitamins so I don’t have to eat food, I hide from everyone what I do and don’t eat, I drink diet coke/water/tea in excess so I don’t eat, I constantly search out new thinspiration images and I wish I had the willpower to be anorexic.
This blog will be the only place I can tell the truth, the only place I can say what I need to say without being judged by those I know. I don’t know what if anything I expect to get from this blog except the cathartic release of typing out the feelings and thoughts that fill up my chest to bursting, that I choke on everytime I have to deal with food, that stalk me through out the day and make me want to run on a treadmill or hike up a mountain all in the hopes of escaping the pressure.
All I want is to be skinny and that seems to be a thing I will never be able to get.