Sunday Is Going To Suck

Tomorrow, Sunday, is Easter. This doesn’t mean anything to me except for chocolate, chocolate in all the stores, dressed up as cute little eggs and bunnies, chocolate given as gifts by well meaning people who make comments about how I need fattening up or don’t need to worry about what I eat, chocolate that ends up in my kitchen, then in my hand, then in my mouth, then in my stomach then on my thighs, ass, tummy, love handles, everywhere! Expanding my fat cells to make me even bigger. Bringing my self confidence even farther down so as I type this post just thinking about all that chocolate makes me want to cry.

Thinking about chocolate shouldn’t ever make a person want to cry, unless it’s a pms-ing girl (I can say that cause I have cried when pms-ing and craving chocolate but there is none around *rolls eyes*).

I love chocolate.

I hate that chocolate exists.

Tomorrow at my work there is a huge Easter buffet, there will be more food at that buffet then a homeless person sees in one years time. It is disgusting how much food will be there.  I know in advance how much there will be because it’s a repeat of the Christmas buffet. Every type of food you can think of, in large quantities, so much food that at the end of the day there will be enough food thrown out to feed a homeless person for one year (if you could stop the food from spoiling that is).

I will have to work near all that food, listen to people exclaim how great it tastes, smell it, crave it, and not touch it. But once the customers are done the staff will be invited by our manager to go through the buffet, take whatever we want, sit down, relax, eat at leisure before getting back to work. He is well meaning. I can see how the thought is nice. I can see how those I work with enjoy the opportunity to eat amazing food, to indulge a bit more then they might normally because everything tastes so good.

I will hate this time for so many reasons. (1) I don’t like people seeing me eat but if I don’t eat something it’ll be noticed and I’ll be asked relentlessly why I am not eating (2) I’ll only be taking fresh fruit and veggies, maaaaybe a tiny bit of protein but even though I’ll feel I have a large amount of food I’ll be teased and made fun of for having such a small serving compared to everyone else, I hate being noticed because of my food choices (3) this will be a huge test of my willpower and I am already terrified I will fail and eat more then I should because right now, as I type this, I am super hungry because today was a seriously restricted calorie day and my tummy is letting me know it is not impressed.

I’m not good at coping with situations like this. I’m stressing about what is going to happen tomorrow. I am taking some safe foods and will hopefully be able to keep people off my back about what I choose from the buffet line by making what food I do select seem like more then it is…I’m already planning how to purge whatever I do eat without people realizing I am nipping in to the bathroom so soon after eating. This one guy at work notices everything about me (cause he likes me, not cause he’s creepy), he’s one of the chefs and is always trying to feed me, drives me nuts. I know tomorrow he’ll notice what I put on my plate and how much of it I eat, I’ll have to make sure I sit far away from him. Man, I wish I could call in sick tomorrow, sigh.

I Am A Fraud

I am a liar. I am a fraud. I am not who you should be emulating or admiring or giving positive re-enforcement to. And yet…

I have a different blog, a positive blog about healthy weight loss. I used to believe what I wrote on that blog. I actually did the things I wrote about. Things like losing weight gradually, eating a healthy balanced diet, daily exercise…and it worked, for a while. Then I hit a plateau that I couldn’t break through no matter how healthy I was. I stayed like that for a while, at a supposed healthy weight, glad I wasn’t as fat as I used to be but miserable because I wanted to be skinnier and nothing I did made that happen.

I got depressed, went off my eating plan, didn’t exercise as much, started starving myself, making lists of safe foods and foods I could never ever touch but I failed at that. I couldn’t even starve myself properly, I suck. So I started binge eating. I would go for days and days with hardly any food intake then boom! I’d cave, because I am weak and pathetic, and I’d eat something horrible for me. I don’t mean sorta bad, I mean HORRIBLE!!!! Like an entire cinnamon bun, or cookies, or cereal, or ice cream. I’m disgusting. 

Now I’m in a cycle I can’t break, I don’t know if I want to break it, I don’t know how it can be broken without me getting fatter and that I can’t allow. But I need an outlet for what I really think and feel while I am in this cycle. My other blog, I still post in it on a regular basis. I have dedicated readers who ask me advice, who read what I have written and apply it to their weight loss journey. There is a whole network of people out there who are losing weight in so called healthy ways and it is working for them but it stopped working for me. I don’t belong to that community anymore, but I am still in it, like that kids story about the ugly duckling, the swan being with all the ducks but not belonging, except I won’t turn in to a swan, at the rate I’m going I’ll be this fat girl forever. 

I’m not looking for someone to pat me on the head and say everything will be ok, I’m not looking for someone to make me all better (whatever that means), this isn’t a cry for help. This blog is so I can write what I am really going through, sort through all the crap that is in my head, record what I do and don’t eat, what I do and don’t do for exercise, when I purge because I just can’t stand what or how much I ate. 

I am embarking on a weight loss journey I can’t mention in my other blog because that blog is read by my friends, family, people I don’t know but who somehow look to me for help in their weight loss. I can’t tell the truth there because I will be letting them down, be opening myself up to their criticism, their judgments. I already know I am a disappointment but I can’t face the idea of them knowing that. 

So here is what I do that no one knows about, I calorie restrict to extreme amounts, I starve, I binge, I purge, I exercise to extremes, I take laxatives, I take extra fiber, I take vitamins so I don’t have to eat food, I hide from everyone what I do and don’t eat, I drink diet coke/water/tea in excess so I don’t eat, I constantly search out new thinspiration images and I wish I had the willpower to be anorexic. 

This blog will be the only place I can tell the truth, the only place I can say what I need to say without being judged by those I know. I don’t know what if anything I expect to get from this blog except the cathartic release of typing out the feelings and thoughts that fill up my chest to bursting, that I choke on everytime I have to deal with food, that stalk me through out the day and make me want to run on a treadmill or hike up a mountain all in the hopes of escaping the pressure.

All I want is to be skinny and that seems to be a thing I will never be able to get.